


Melt

by Virtual_Reality



Series: Steve and Bucky through the years [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Blushing, Bucky Barnes Feels, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Feels, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Naked Cuddling, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 19:17:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3661866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Virtual_Reality/pseuds/Virtual_Reality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>30 day OTP Challenge.<br/>Every Chapter will be at least 1000 words, and should flow like a story. I'll do my best to make it beautiful.</p>
<p>Let's do it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Melt

Steve shivered, and pressed closer to Bucky, soaking in the warmth of the other man. It wasn't the first time they'd found themselves like this. Huddled in bed together - naked or otherwise - warming Steve, who was chilled to the bone: his face too pale, his fingers ice cold and numb from the winter chill.

He sniffled a little and Bucky frowned, pulling him tighter. He would be sick from this for sure. The weather was too cold: the freezing rain, the harsh bite of the frigid night air. It was dangerous for anyone, especially to someone like Steve, so frail, and prone to sickness, though he knew Steve would be pissed to hear him talk like that.

Steve's small frame tucked neatly into Bucky's, probably closer than he should let himself get. There may have been a time when it felt awkward or strange for them - to be so exposed, pressed so completely together. Wrong, even. Dirty. And Steve may have been insecure at first, but eventually, the promise of warmth overpowered any level of modesty.

"God, Steve. You're freezing." Bucky said, and the words sounded forced, like they took a great deal of effort for him to get out. He let out a shuddering breath as Steve's cold feet found him beneath the covers.

"Sorry, Buck." Steve let out an even breath.

Bucky just pulled the blankets tighter around them. He knew Steve couldn't help his inability to retain heat. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, the chill found him, and showed no mercy.

Steve took an uneven breath, and Bucky shifted, pinning him partially beneath his body. Steve exhaled suddenly, sharply, and his entire body relaxed beneath the heat. "Mmm..." Steve pressed his icy fingers against the bare skin of Bucky's lower back, causing him to arch slightly, reflexively trying to escape the cold touch. "You're like a furnace, Buck" He pressed his face into the other's shoulder, and groans softly.

Bucky held very still, though the chill seeped into his skin wherever he touched Steve. That was fine, He wanted to make sure he was warm and safe, first and foremost. That's what really mattered. Steve nestled his face into Bucky's neck, and he could've sworn he felt the too cool touch of lips on his skin.

He doesn't mention it.

That wasn't exactly normal, the little secret kisses between them, they let them pass without acknowledgement. They didn't need to talk about it. What was there to be said? Acceptance on any level was a blessing. Shared attraction was no less than a miracle. Why question that? Why tempt fate?

Bucky had tried to help Steve, heal him, because it must be an illness, just another problem to tack on the bottom of the endless list. A little somethin' he'd started to feel the effects of after a few days of nursing Steve, though they both knew the theory was bullshit. Steve had even insisted he was just sick when Bucky tried to explain it to him that attraction didn't work like that.

Still, Bucky tried. He would lure him with words like dancing, and kisses, double dates and pretty dames to get him through the door, and Steve had hoped that with enough of a push in the right direction, he could be cured. That when he looked at girls, he'd feel that same craving: the butterflies in his stomach, the heat on the back of his neck, the flutter in his chest, that same desire that made him want men - that made him want Bucky.

Oh, how he wanted Bucky. He wanted him with a ferocity he couldn't put words to. Wanted him in all the wrong ways, and that scared him. It scared the hell out of him.

He didn't understand why he felt this way, or how he got this way, but he couldn't change it. He'd tried. So many times he'd tried to look at him, and feel nothing, but it was impossible. To pick out Bucky's flaws, and convince himself he wasn't attracted to him, but he couldn't, because he loved him, he loved everything about him, even the flaws.

He convinced himself that if he found a girl attractive, he'd be cured. Then, if he could just get to know one - just one - it'd make all the difference. That maybe if he could kiss one, or fall in love, everything would change, he wouldn't look at Bucky that way anymore, but all the effort was meaningless. Girls rejected him anyway. They wouldn't even let him try. Besides, at the end of the day, when Bucky got home from the docks, and smiled at him... Oh, he felt that smile in his bones, and knew it was no use. He was attracted to other men, and that was all there was to it.

It had been devastating. It still was, sometimes. Having that secret longing, then the resulting shame. He tried to just avoid the dating scene altogether. It made things less awkward because Steve had no attraction towards women beyond friendship. Not that he ever got that far with them. In all honestly, it didn't matter who he liked... Not unless someone found out, anyways. Then, the consequences were very high.

Because of this, he'd become very good at hiding it, but when he was tucked into Bucky's arms at night, he couldn't help the flutter of contentment. The swell of hope in his chest, and wonder how it could be so bad for him to feel this way.

Bucky knew, of course. It had slipped out one evening, after only a small glass of alcohol had loosened his lips. Luckily, they were at home. That's how Steve learned not to drink, his body just couldn't tolerate it. It took him under too quick, and made him far too honest.

That's also how Steve learned how unconditional Bucky's love for him was.

Bucky wouldn't out him for being queer, though Steve still winced when he thought about it. Both of them did. Being this way, a homosexual, wasn't something to be proud of. It was scary, and Steve knew, that if his father were still alive, he would've beat him an inch from death - again - had he found out. The memories still sting, all those remembred times his father had told him he barely looked like a man, and how at times, Steve had believed him, he barely felt like a man the way he was scrutinized all those years. But it had taught him to square his shoulders and stand up, no matter how many times he was hit. To try harder, to be stronger. Anything to protect his mother, who was sure to be his next target.

Oh, how his heart ached when he thought of his mother. At least, he thought bitterly, he couldn't hurt her now. He wished he could say she would've accepted him, even if she knew how he loved Bucky as more than a friend, but he knows it's too much to hope for. She would've wanted him to settle down with a nice girl.

Bucky was the only one. He knew Steve was queer, yet he still held him. He still cuddled Steve. Naked, sometimes. In bed, sometimes. Steve could be a little thick, he's not above admitting that, but it didn't take long for him to put the pieces together.

 

Bucky accepted him because he had the same problem.

Well, sort of. Bucky actually did like girls, but he liked other fellas, as well. Steve wished he could've been that lucky, but he's happy for Bucky. At least Bucky could settle down with a girl, and be genuinely happy - that's all Steve ever wanted - was for Bucky to be happy.

Their first kiss was shared at Coney Island, hiding under the dock. Bucky had lured him down there, and before Steve could ask what was going on, Bucky cupped his face, and in that moment Steve just knew.

It was clumsy, and hasty, and awkward, and perfect, fueled with adrenaline, and probably a healthy dose of insanity, and Steve's entire body heated when he tasted the pink cotton candy sugar they'd been sharing straight from Bucky's lips. He felt shock, and the inevitable embarrassment, and something else... It was such a shock after Bucky's noble speeches of "We can't embrace this, Steve. We have to try," and "We have to fight it. You know what'll happen." but deep inside, Steve guessed he'd always known how Bucky really felt. The kiss was mere confirmation of what he never dared to hope. Steve pushed his fingers through Bucky's, linking them together, and they smiled at each other like a pair of idiots until Steve caught his breath.

Even when they were alone, It hadn't gone any further than small unacknowledged kisses. They still tried to be good, but they'd give in when they could afford to. When they couldn't hold back. When they needed to give in. Indulging in each other. It was safer than that bar, anyway. That bar that nobody talks about, but everyone sort of knows what goes on inside it. Besides, Steve didn't want just any fella. He wanted Bucky, and he's more than happy to help him out once in a while. They just couldn't get caught. That could never happen.

A kiss on his forehead brought Steve out of his thoughts, "Whatcha thinking 'bout, babydoll?"

Steve was quiet for a moment, then sighs, "Memories."

Bucky smiled, and buried his face in Steve's hair, breathing in his familiar scent, "Nostalgic lil' Stevie."

"Shut up," Steve murmured, arching to press into Bucky's side, "and don't call me babydoll. Geez."

This hadn't changed, at least. Their relationship shifted only minutely with their acknowledged attraction to each other. There was no other option than to carry on as normal. Maybe their hugs lingered a bit longer than they should, and maybe the small kisses they stole were bad, but they never went much further than that. That had to count for something, right? Still, it seemed like too much - flirting with the idea that they could be together, pushing things a little further, giving in an inch at a time, letting themselves feel the adrenaline of breaking the rules, and the passion of doing it with someone they loved.

"This would be really intimate if you were warm." Bucky stated, out of the blue, slipping an arm around Steve's waist, and pressing his hips against his bare thigh. He wasn't hard, thank heavens, but Steve could feel him, and the insinuation was enough to make Steve's face burn, and suddenly it was a little harder to breathe and his heart wasn't beating quite right. "I can just imagine."

"Shhh," Steve hissed, "This wouldn't be happening if I was warm," Steve reminded him, poking him in the chest, "Behave."

"I know. But still. A little action would warm you a lot faster." He winked.

"You're an idiot, Buck," Steve rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the desire that swirled in his body, in spite of his words.

"That's old news, Stevie. Besides, you know I love you, and you've got a nice little body, there. I'm not gonna lie."

"Don't be stupid." Steve mumbled grumpily, and Bucky barely caught the bitter comment Steve made about his 'little' body before he buried his face in Bucky's neck, warming his cold nose there. Bucky rubbed a hand over Steve's bicep, almost apologetically (Steve didn't appreciate his pretty little body like Bucky did, and he knows his flirting tends to come off as patronizing.), but he also used the gentle friction to warm his friend a little faster. "You know we can't." He breathed.

Bucky only fell silent for a minute before he was trying to fix things again, "Hey, you want to go dancing Saturday? Not with each other, of course, but-"

"Stop it, Buck." Steve mumbles, "Don't want to talk about it."

Bucky sighed. Some times were harder than others, trying to figure out what Steve was trying to tell him. When pushing away meant stop, and when it meant hold him tighter. He let the small attempt fall away. If Steve didn't want anything more than this tonight, he had every right to say no.

"Sorry."

"What's wrong?"

"M'fine." Steve closed his eyes, and sighed, "Jus' don't want a dame, and I'm tired of tryin', and being rejected. I don't... You know. And you're so..."

"I know," Bucky said softly, "I get it, Stevie," he shifts to put some space between their bodies, not unkindly, just to keep temptation at bay. Steve was warmer than before, and without the constant chill putting him off, it was a little too easy to let his thoughts wander. Bucky rubbed his chest, and Steve held still, trying to keep his expression neutral.

Giving in would be the best, most heartbreaking expression of this weakness. Like reaching heaven, tasting it with quivering lips, and then they fall. They can't afford that tonight. "One day you'll find a nice girl," Bucky starts. "I know you will. We aren't the first fellas to feel this way, we can make it work. When you find her, you don't think about me at all. You go for it, okay? I want you to be happy, Steve."

He nodded, solemnly, though he doubted he'd ever find anyone he loved like Bucky. He knows it's well meant, and self-defensive. Bucky was quick to smother rejection babbling about girls. Everyone said yes to Bucky, and when Steve said no, it hurt to watch him struggle with the feeling. "Okay." Steve said, offering a smile for Bucky's sake. "Thanks, Buck."

"Swell," Bucky kissed his cheek. "but for now, you're stuck with me, alright? Let me get you warm."

"I'm warm enough," Steve admitted, with a sigh, "I just don't want you to let me go."

Bucky kissed his forehead, "I won't let you go." He whispered, "Love you too much, pal. I'll be here."

"You always turn up, don't you?"

"Like a bad penny, darlin'. No better for you, either."

Steve looks up at him. Gives him a long, searching glance, his eyes lingering on his lips longer than they should've. He tore his gaze away, and hid it in Bucky's chest.

They didn't need talk about it. They would never entertain the idea that they could be. Something that dangerous, that fragile couldn't be discussed, not while they were both so vulnerable.

Not ever.

"You never said you loved me back," Bucky teased, and Steve could hear the hurt past the cockiness.

"I called you stupid," Steve murmured, "It's almost the same thing. S'why you're perfect."

"Why's that?"

"'Cause I don't gotta say it." Steve whispered, "I can say 'you're an idiot', and you know it really means 'I love you more than anything'."

Bucky exhaled a laugh, his lips against Steve's hair. "There's logic for you." Bucky caught Steve 'round the waist, and rolled fully on top of him, though he held most of his weight, "I think you're stupid, too, Stevie." He deadpanned, and Steve smiled, two fingers hooking around a couple of Bucky's.

"Jerk."


End file.
